I Don't Know

By: Sarah Abedi, MD

            I don’t think she knew when she was walking into Harbor, that would be the last thing she ever did. I don’t know if she knew she would never see her husband again. I don’t think she ever thought she would not be going back into her home again, seeing her children again. I don’t know if when she woke up that morning, it would be the last time she woke up in her own bed.

            I don’t know if I’m safe. I don’t know if I will be one of the younger ones that ends up on a ventilator if I get sick. I don’t know why it’s the worst pain I have ever felt when I see my healthcare colleagues around the world dying at staggering numbers. I don’t feel that many of the people that are supposed to keep me safe will actually keep me safe. I don’t know if I’m going to kill my mom or dad because I decided to practice medicine. I don’t feel like a hero. I don’t know why science and politics ever decided to intertwine. 

            I don’t think she understands how sick she is. I don’t know if she understands what is about to happen to her. I don’t know if she feels as bad as her numbers look. I don’t know how scared she is. I don’t know how to explain a breathing tube in Spanish with the detail I need to. I don’t have a pen to write down her husband’s phone number on that paper towel. I don’t have the ability to pre-oxygenate her the way I want to be before I stop her breathing. I don’t fully understand the level of risk I am facing doing this. I don’t see panic and fear in her eyes anymore as the sedation has been pushed. I don’t have the ability to stop myself from bagging her after seeing that low of a pulse oximeter reading because I cannot let her die. I don’t know why she was the hardest intubation of my entire residency. I don’t want her to die like this. I don’t wish this on any fellow human.     

            I don’t think her family understand her prognosis. I don’t think they want to. I don’t think they realized they saw her for the last time a few days ago. I don’t think they ever deserved to have her die without them near her. I don’t know if they cried or yelled or collapsed when they changed her code status. I don’t know what they look like. I don’t want to feel this heaviness anymore. I don’t know where to put this. I just don’t know.  


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